"Change is inevitable, change is good."
Hello sweeties. I'm hoping that nobody finds this blog before I publicize it! But if you do find it before I even publicize it once more, erm... thanks for stalking me? HAHAHAH.
I think this is the number idon'tknowwhattime I decided to start afresh. Like honestly I keep sidetracking and giving up -_- But this is to also tell all of you (& myself), that that's okay. Just keep trying, one day you'll get there!
I honestly want this time do be a success.
To start off, I want to tell all of you what an unhappy person I am now. (Yes, looks can be deceiving and yes I officially am going to make myself sound like a depressed person.) It's been damn long since I last felt truly happy. I mean, yes there are times and days when I feel happy, but those days I am left frowning is more than those that are left smiling. I may always be smiling, laughing and being silly, but honestly just like many of you I believe, I'm just wearing a mask.
I've never wanted to appear weak in front of anyone. I want to look cool, I want to look like I fit in, I want to look like I'm well received. And it may seems like I'm doing it pretty well! I join camps, I'm a GL, I have like tons of friends on Instagram.
Well, that's what I want others to see me as, but that's really not how my life is. Ever since poly started, my confidence level dropped and it never recovered. I find myself incapable of a lot of things and I really detest myself for not being able to be good enough for anything. In contrary of how I portrayed myself, I don't fit in every time and I try god damn hard to not look like a loner sometimes. (Not always but there are times). I blame myself for not being interesting enough, nice enough, pretty enough, funny enough, and the list goes on... Some days, I feel alone, like my friends (poly only) are so superficial and I can never turn to them. Other days, I feel like I'm of different frequency. I start envying people who are able to find true friends and who are having a time of their life. It leaves me doubting myself even more, does the problem lies with me?
As I am insecure as hell, little things and casual remarks starts to affect me a lot. I never used to bother about those nasty comments and just take it as a joke (usually it is just a joke). But as I doubt myself so badly, those comments start getting to me. Like "oh I THOUGHT you were nice." or like "You're damn fake what." or "Please, you're always judgmental." Omg i cannot. Sometimes, I get so insecure to the extent when someone accidentally ignore me because they got distracted by another conversations, I will start labeling myself as "insignificant" and shit.
The thing is, I do think I am nice (like compare to mean ppl I really do think so) , I don't think I'm fake and I'm definitely not judgmental!!! WHY WOULD SOMEONE SAY SUCH HURTFUL THINGS TO SOMEONE SO CASUALLY? I will never do that!!! :(((((((((( I shouldn't get so affected but.....
" I’m a loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be strong
Bad gangster
In the mirror I’m..
Just a loser, loner
A jerk full of hurt
Dirty rubbish
In the mirror, I’m a…"
Apparently loser lyrics is damn on point now. GDragon is hot eff btw.
Anyhow, I want to feel better about myself. I don't want to feel so shitty anymore! I only live this life once. I don't know how to get better, I honestly don't. I don't know how to be a better person. I don't know how to make all the negativity go away. There's a lot of things I don't know. But there, is one thing I know, all this must change.
I want to meet people who will love me, and I will love them. I don't want to feel so sour about so many things. I want to be able to give a lot of love like I use to, and not feel too exhausted to care. I don't want a lot of people to know me, I just want a group of friends that will do everything with me. I want to finally feel good about myself, and the life I'm living. I have so much to give, I know I have.
I don't know how to get there, but I will try and I will get there eventually. And I welcome you to join me on this amazing journey. I may fail, but I will still try. To everyone who feel the same as me, don't worry, sista is here with you we can do this together yo. Don't give up, great things takes time ^^
