Love yourself first

Darkness, dark empty room.

Injured soul but I am under the covers.

I don't deserve the light, nor the rights to be pitied.

Silently, painfully alone.

Take me away, I beg.

"You will have to love yourself first."

Blood, constant invisible dripping blood.

Plastered with a smile staring at myself in front of the mirror.

I don't deserve to show my fear, nor my grievance.

Shakily, spinelessly alone.

Take me away, I beg.

"You will have to love yourself first."

Tight, eyes closed tightly with hope.

No injured soul, no plastered smile, just you and I.

This time I deserve your smile, and the love that I thought was gone forever.

Eyes open, suddenly alone.

Take me with you, I beg.

"You will have to love yourself first."

Hatefully, fist clenched, punching hatefully with anger.

Dented walls, dented thoughts, dented... me.

I don't deserve to be happy without you, nor do I deserve my own love.

Lost, with tears, still alone. 

Take me with you, I beg.

"You will have to love yourself first." 

"You'll have to love yourself first," he said.

"only when you love yourself, then can you love others."

Hence I will.

Because only then, can I learn to love you.

I will learn to love myself first.

Home is

Home was a person I knew, a gentle embrace topped with a familiar scent.

Home was a shelter, a permanent solid comfort zone.

Home was a playground, a place where all tears and frowns turned into skittles.

Home was a clinic, no matter how injured, he healed me with a kiss.

Home was a yellow line, behind him I'm safe. 

Suddenly, home was broken. Home became a house.

House was a door with spoiled locks, I couldn't enter no matter how hard I tried.

House was an empty fridge, I couldn't satisfy his hunger.

House was a lonely paradise, with shattered promises, bleeding feet and a hinge of hope.

House was welcoming, but everything was dead inside.

So house was demolished, house became an empty ground.

And I, who misses home, is left with nothing.

Empty ground was a tunnel of pain, fear, distrust, suspicions, insecurities and never ending darkness, I can't seem to find the way out.

In the tunnel of despair, they told me to build a new home on empty ground.

New home is now, a house with new locks yet I dare not step in.

New home is now, an empty ground ready to rise yet I dare not build faith.

New home is now, a new shelter, a new playground, a new clinic and a freshly painted yellow line, but this all don't matter my dear.

The empty ground, the old tunnel, the old house, the old home, the man I love, once stood here on this empty ground. 

New home now, can yet heal what broke me and replace the intangible, deadly memories empty ground will always hold.

New home asked, what's home to you?

Home still is, that person I knew.

Home is, what home isn't now.

I love you mummy :(

"There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one."

and you're a good mother no matter how many times i quarreled with you over nothing. Thank you for tolerating my nonsense and pms.  Thank you for not raging at me when I'm in a bad mood and when I scold you for being irritating. Thank you for still talking to me nicely to me when I throw tantrums and or say hurtful things to you. I can never ask for a better woman to be my mother, I honestly think that you're kind, loving and a little too innocent sometimes.

I'm sorry that so many people came and go in your life. But I am grateful that I will always be in your life (it's not your choice). I know that your life journey wasn't easy, and that you encountered a lot of setbacks and hurtful experiences. However, every time I look at you, I honestly can't believe you went through so much because you still look so vibrant and you're still so naggy :P

If I can, I will protect you from all those evil people who ever hurt you, Here, you'd say that I'm the one that hurt you the most (HAHAHA I KNEW IT) But I don't mean it and I will learn to treat you better because you deserve the best love mommy, because you gave me your best. 

I love hugging you, so you better stay super healthy so I can hug you for a long long time. 

I know you're gonna read this, so I'm going to declare to the world that I love you okay mommy? and sorry for all the pain I ever caused you. You are the best, my angel. 

Dear future girlfriend

Please love him more than I can ever love him. Please bring him smiles I can never give him. Please tear down the walls to see how beautiful he is if he ever builds them and tell you that he's complicated. Don't ever believe him when he say he is not that nice, and do everything to prove to him how amazing he is. Please be someone who stays with him in his darkest times, don't make him feel lonely. Please be someone that he want to confide in and whom he want to find comfort in your embrace. Don't quarrel as often as we did, because I promise he is doing his best to try to make things work. Please be someone who is willing to stay indoors with him without complain during his lazy days, and go crazy wild adventures or food hunting with him when he is hyped up. Please don't ever break his heart. Please be the right one, that is capable of everything I'm not capable of. Please give him happiness. I promise, he will treat you like a princess and be the best he can. But please treat my king as your prince and do what I couldn't. I will be very very thankful.

Night festival Singapore 2015

"She sees colors in the darkest places." 

Went to The Assembly Ground just before roaming to the different zones of night festival. 

okay I'm lazy to explain not like all you lazy people are going to read haha. So here goes the visuals!

Art never fails to amaze me in it's most peaceful, serene yet compliicated and deep way. Look and learn to enjoy art, and then enjoy beauty in places you thought you can never find. 

When we

when we are preparing for the surprise

when we were trying to take a photo of all the pink gifts

when our dear hazel was making a wish

When I took a picture with this beauty

When we danced with laughters

when there's good lighting

When the wind blew our hair and we screamed

when we took a proper group picture

when we took a nice polaroid

When all these are happening, I felt happy. I hope she felt happy too. I hope she feels happy and blessed forever.

Happy belated birthday my dearest Hazel, you deserve us and me and the pink balloons.

You're welcome hahaha. 

You deserve it

"Be happy, simply because you deserve it!"

You know, sometimes, you need to let go of what made you happy in the past, to be happy now. Don't feel guilty or sad anymore that the happiness in the past is taken away from you, because that makes you sad now. Only now matters, not the past. Tell yourself  that you deserve to be happy now, and then be. Life is to short to feel too sad for a long time. 

I felt so lost, so hurt and so undeserving of so many things ever since he left me, after all, it was him that made me felt so loved and deserving in the first place. I can't be sure that I recovered entirely now, or if I even recovered. But I know, I finally want to. With that mindset, I'm really happy. I still embrace the past a lot, I still keet everything we had all around the house and alive in my memories. However, I finally come to terms that, he don't want to be fighting alongside with me anymore and  that we will never happen again. (Typing this still hurts but it's okay) It's okay! I don't have to depend on a guy to feel safe and deserving of love. I can always learn to love myself again and make myself feel like I deserve to be here, I deserve to be loved. 

I'm grateful for everything that had happened as I learned and grew so much from this. I don't wish for him to love me again, but I still wish for him to be happy always, and that I will do anything to see him happy. 

For the 101 times I said this in conviction to convince myself, today I'm gonna say it again and give it another shot. Guys, Moving on. 

MBASS CAMP, PYMAC

Thanks for taking care of me guys, and thanks for the 3 days 2 nights :)

Little talks

"Don't listen to a word I say

The screams all sound the same

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

You're gone, gone, gone away,
I watched you disappear
All that's left is a ghost of you
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,
there's nothing we can do,
Just let me go, we'll meet again soon."

Went timbre with Shirleen yesterday, and while talking to one of my old favorite friend, I realized the cold hard truth that I've always wanted to deny,  I lost myself. When I look at her, and I look at his amazing life without me, there's nothing left to blame. 

Maybe I should stop wanting. 

Botanical garden

"Those who find beauty in all nature will find themselves at one with the secrets of life itself."

Hi sweeties, and yes as the title suggested... I went Botanical Gardens! I've been wanting to go ALONE since yesterday, but plans cocked up but I'm glad that I was able to go today to interact with the nature a bit! It's in one of my to-do-list to go there alone and appreciate the nature and take some photos! People were damn shocked when I said I wanted to go to Botanical Gardens alone, I mean come on, girls like me need alone time and I enjoy it okay! 

Disclaimer: I won't be posting all photos cus not very nice and I'm a noob you know. Since you are reading my post when I didn't even publicize my blog, you can visit @tingventure to see the nice pics (I think it's the nicest I can take) I've chosen in a 1 x 3 adventure collection :)

and I'm all ready!

Below are some of my favourite photo! I tried to be professional la guys :( 

And now for some random photos of flowers. 

OMG IM STILL AMAZED AT HOW THIS LOOK LIKE A DINOSAUR.

Take some time off alone, and enjoy it, maybe you might find this part of you that you never knew. :) What I learned is that nature is simplicity, and even the simplest things can be beautiful! I have yet to learn to appreciate nature totally yet, but I will definitely learn to slowly. 

Sometimes I look at all these, and think to myself "Wow, I'm so small, you know? There's so much beauty, and things that are much bigger than me! Are my problems really THAT big now?"

Botanical Gardens definitely have much more greens than any other colors. Mostly are trees, and flowers can only be found in the orchid garden (which is going to be free till 31st Aug so hurry visit! Other days it will be $5!) If you're more into flowers ONLY, please visit Gardens by the Bay instead! But if you don't mind looking at all the trees, rain forests, and greens, Botanical Garden is cool and more natural!

I personally prefer Gardens by the bay though, because I love colors more and Botanical Garden is kinda dull for me :( Every time I see color in Botanical Gardens, I'm just like FINALLY. HAHAHAH.

But one of the biggest take away from this trip is that, a flower does not think of competing with another flower beside it, it just blooms. 

I really wish that I can bring my next boyfriend there for a picnic and talk until the night falls, until it gets too creepy and we will have no choice but to go home haha! Till next time babes x